[rejected by McSweeney’s; December, 2009]

“Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. If you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow; not into your hands.”

From the Interim Health Advisory on H1N1 Influenza, published by the CDC, May 19, 2009

*Minimize nudging, prodding, and elbowing. Poking is OK, as long as it’s not near elbow regions.

*Decline hugs. If absolutely necessary, use modified hugging procedures (as detailed in a video on the CDC’s website, www.myhealthyelbows.gov) while wearing disposable sterile elbow covers, available at most drug stores. Discard of elbow covers as you would any other biohazard.

*Refrain from reaching into long/narrow places, as accidental elbow contamination is possible.

*Discontinue certain dances: the hokey pokey, the chicken dance, all square dances, and any other dance procedure involving wild and/or aggressive elbow flagellation.

*Do not lean on, balance, or otherwise seek support via elbows, especially in public places and at tables or bars. Armrests are not OK. If exhaustion and/or fatigue make elbow leaning necessary, use CDC-approved elbow covers, and dispose of them properly.

*Forgo all yoga maneuvers incorporating moderate-to-extreme elbow use, including (but not limited to) headstands, “the plank,”  “the royal pigeon,”  “the peacock,”  “the monkey,” “the lord of the fishes,” “the frog,” “the tortoise,” and “the distinguished hero.”

*Do not carry, hold, or transport anything, even briefly, in the crook of your arm.

*Practice good elbow hygiene by washing your elbows often with soap and water, especially after coughing or sneezing. Be sure to scrub outer elbow (medial epicondyle, or “wenis”) extra well, as germs can hide in the folds of wrinkly skin. Alcohol-based elbow cleaners are also effective.

*Minimize elbow-to-body contact by modifying standing “at-ease” posture, such that inner elbows (lateral epicondyles) are not forced into ribcage. Clasping hands gently behind back is OK.

*Do not cross arms, even in critical business or social situations, or when otherwise under pressure, uncomfortable, standoffish, defensive, antagonized, confused, ponderous, or isolated. If absolutely necessary, wear sterile gloves and elbow covers, and dispose of them properly afterward.

*Do not store long-sleeved articles of clothing, such as shirts, jackets, coats, and sweaters against one another.

*Mark all contaminated clothing with CDC-approved bright yellow tags, as required by federal law. Tags are available for free at most drug stores and supermarkets.

*Keep clothing with contaminated or potentially-contaminated elbows in a separate CDC-approved “elbows only” laundry bag. Wash these items separately, in a separate washing machine, with bleach, in an isolated facility. If not possible, discard these clothes.

*Suspend mending old clothes, as installation of elbow patches, buttons, cuffs, hems, and/or zippers increases potential elbow contact scenarios.

*Remember that arm-wrestling can now be prosecuted as a Class II felony, carrying a penalty of up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $100,000.

*If you see someone practicing risky or illegal elbow behavior, call the CDC Elbow Action Hotline, at 1-(888)-MY-ELBOW, or alert a local law enforcement official by dialing 911.

*For further information and updates, consult the CDC’s website on Elbow-Related Transmission of Swine Flu (ERTSF), at www.myhealthyelbows.gov.

*Talk with your health care providers about whether you should have an elbow amputation.