[Rejected by McSweeney’s, 2008]

Good evening from Hofstra University in New York. I’m Bob Schieffer of CBS News. And welcome to this third and final presidential debate, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates.

Tonight’s debate format is a little different; on account of low ratings and lagging viewership, it is the only one with a bar-room format. As you can see, there are no chairs in this venue, but there are four open bars in the corners. There’s also a boxing ring in the middle, and a dartboard and big-screen TV next to it — but I’ll get to that in a minute. 

First, I’d like to thank the Gallup Organization, which has chosen two hundred uncommitted voters from local bars, and brought them here. As you can see, they are milling about the room around me. I’ve been here since noon, and I can report that most of the attendees are thoroughly drunk, not to mention pissed off that their bills are rising while home values are decreasing and their stocks are plummeting. I’ve had a few drinks, too.

As you can also see, the attendees have been given paintball guns, as well as five hundred paintball pellets, which have been marked with the official seals of every state in the Union. Pellets from red states are red, blue states are blue, and tossup states are purple. For what it’s worth, Washington, DC and US territories are not represented. More on this in a minute, too.

Rest assured, this is sure to be an exciting debate!

Tonight’s forum will be the debut of some amazing advances in debate technology. The candidates’ handheld microphones have been modified to deliver painful electrical shocks if either candidate stands still for more than 10 seconds. RFID chips have been inserted into the candidates’ shoes, allowing sensors in the floor to track the candidates, so that viewers at home can follow their moves. On your screens, Senator McCain will be represented by a red Mr. Potato Head icon, and Senator Obama will be represented by a blue Barney icon. Slow-motion, high-definition cameras have been mounted throughout the room to capture the action. The candidates have been provided with puncture-resistant attire and safety glasses, even though they have agreed not to throw darts at each other. The candidates have also been wired with medical sensors, so that viewers and political analysts can observe their heart rate, temperature, blood-alcohol content, and breathing patterns as they answer questions and drink tequila and react to electrical shocks while dodging paintballs and throwing darts and watching the ALCS playoffs — all at the same time, right here, live, on nationally-broadcast television.

Tonight’s debate will be conducted in three twentyfive-minute rounds — I mean segments — with two five-minute intermissions in between. During the intermissions the candidates will have the opportunity to visit the restroom, have a cup of coffee, change their clothes, or lie down — anything but keep talking. Meanwhile, CBS News will offer instant replays, highlights, and bloopers, while continuing to monitor the candidates’ movements and medical condition. If either candidate requests a restroom visit, a coffee break, couch time, or a change of clothes during the battle — I mean debate — he will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim with their paintball guns. Similarly, if a candidate keeps talking during the break, he’ll be shocked and deemed fair game.

Because this is the final debate, and there’s so much to discuss just weeks before the election, questions will not be asked one-at-a-time, as in previous debates. Attendees will be free to yell out their questions whenever they want. 

Hold on a minute, not just yet. Almost…

Additionally, candidates will only have twenty seconds to answer questions; if they go over the limit, they will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be allowed to fire their paintball guns. If the candidates dodge questions, or don’t answer fully — the same treatment; they will be shocked and paintballed. 

Unlike previous debates, this forum also encourages candidates to talk to each other at the same time, discussing political issues and beliefs the way most Americans do. If they don’t, they will be zapped, and attendees will be allowed to pull their triggers. Furthermore, attendees here and voters online have submitted phrases they are tired of hearing — which include “maverick,” “my friends,” “middle class,” “veteran,” “Kenya,” “my record,” “the Senate,” and “voted.” For the full list, go to CBS.com, or watch the ticker on the bottom of your screen. If any candidate mentions one of these forbidden phrases, he will be shocked, and attendees will be permitted to fire at will, and margaritas will be distributed to everyone. Last but not least, I will on occasion interrupt the questioning, and ask the candidates to update me on the baseball game, which will be playing on the big-screen TV. If a candidate is unable to authoritatively report what’s been going on, he will be shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim. I have a paintball gun, too.

If, at any point, an attendee runs out of paintballs, he or she may collect five hundred more by chugging a beer in less than thirty seconds. We’ll be covering this story, too.

Now, about that boxing ring right there. The candidates have agreed to remain inside it. This is in part to encourage face-to-face discussion between the two candidates, but also to give the attendees here a good, clean shot. You’ll note that Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin are sitting over there, behind protective glass enclosures, on opposite corners of the ring. 

This is because the candidates may, if necessary, “tag out,” and have their respective vice-presidential candidates fill in; but once they do this they may not return. 

OK, just a few last rules, and then I need another gin and tonic. 

Each candidate is wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, just above his heart. If a candidate’s flag is hit with a paintball, the candidate will — as you probably suspected — be shocked and deemed an open target. The symbolism will be overwhelming. On the other hand, the candidate must not, under any circumstances, cover up that pin, unless he wants to be unsupportive of the troops and unpatriotic. Should that happen, he will forfeit the fight — I mean the debate. 

At the end, we’ll tally the paintball hits each candidate received, and break down what states the paintballs represented. The results won’t actually mean anything, but it should make for a nice graphic. 

Finally, as per bar-room-format rules, during the last thirty minutes, each candidate has taken three shots of tequila and chugged three beers, to loosen up. They are now ready to debate. 

It is now my distinct pleasure to introduce the candidates, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona. 

Let the games begin.