[rejected by McSweeney’s, 2021]
Instructions: Match A and B with C
example:
“You should be concerned, but not panicked” – re: the omicron variant
-the Government
**__A__ but not __B__**
- aware but not fixated
- apprehensive but not anxious
- perturbed but not restless
- uneasy but not agitated
- jittery but not twitchy
- flustered but not fretting
- dismayed but not disturbed
- disconcerted but not distressed
- bothered but not alarmed
- horrified but not nightmare-plagued
- tormented but not traumatized
- terrified but not mortified
** __C__ **
- toaster fires
- dryer fires
- bridge safety
- tetanus
- winter
- blizzards
- phishing scams
- bed bugs
- tornados
- the Yellowstone caldera
- potential space wars
- dry rot
- gum disease
- AI
- UV radiation
- airport scanners
- privacy
- airline safety
- osteoperosis
- geoengineering
- international trade imbalance
- plagiarism
- bad milk
- bad eggs
- bad beef
- bad words
- local newspapers
- media conglomerates
- homelessness
- retailers
- tech giants
- the economy
- flesh eating bacteria
- heart disease
- rip tides
- The Tenderloin
- secession
- insurrection
- erectile disfunction
- HPV
- high decibel levels
- bird decline
- moral decay
- aging dams
- the Federal Reserve
- inexperienced drivers
- air quality
- light pollution
- dark money
- predatory lending
- sexual predators
- Amazonian vampire fish
- real-estate values
- mercury-laden seafood
- fatbergs
- swatting
- raonsomware
- black widows
- counterfeit products on Amazon
- fake reviews
- fake news
- your weight
- your fitness
- your libido
- the ecosystem
- the Justice Department
- the stock market
- democracy
- vaquitas
- Russian aggression
- offshore drilling
- onshore drilling
- the grid
- dental care
- cybersecurity
- sensitive information
- password security
- insurance coverage
- pronouns
- gangs
- North Korea
- blood sugar
- sleep loss
- misinformation
- sun spots
- skin spots
- blind spots
- bald spots
- killer bees
- 5G
- asbestos
- aquifers
- webcams
- unemployment
- added sugars
- GMOs
- saturated fats
- inflation
- China
- changing demographics
- the American dream
- the state of the union
- Afghanistan
- indoor dining
- outdoor dining
- microplastic
- megafires
- the supply chain
- the electoral college system
- gerrymandering
- filibustering
- fake news
- real news
- hackers
- self-driving cars
- pet scams
- kidnappings
- piracy
- glacial retreat
- invasive mussels
- endangered species
- guns
- ballistic missiles
- nuclear waste
- national debt
- credit card debt
- credit card fraud
- lead paint
- cruise ships
- terrorism
- literacy
- math skills
- screen time
- education costs
- bitcoin
- identity theft
- black mold
- big tobacco
- desertification
- urbanization
- gentrification
- affordable housing
- distracted driving
- Social Security
- protein deficiency
- food security
- urban decay
- rural hospitals
- front-line workers
- corruption
- Montezuma’s revenge
- the future