2017 ANNUAL MAJOR-GOAT-NEWS REVIEW: Goats injured a photographer, charged a cop, pissed off a union, concerned a health department, and shattered a front door — yet were declared by the Farmer’s Almanac “the next ‘it’ animal.”
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2016 ANNUAL MAJOR-GOAT-NEWS REVIEW: Goats continued their push into the public arena in 2016. One, perched on a yogi’s butt, got a lot of attention. Another appeared, in part, in a driver’s license photo. One completed basic training, one went to Home Depot, and one went to Starbucks. One trendy goat went paddleboarding. One, typically, started a fire, while another held up a police car. One wore a duck costume, one balanced on rhinoceros, and one befriended a monkey. They fell victim to heavy rain, trains, a truck fire, employees of Pakistan International Airlines, and Donald Trump, Jr.
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2015 ANNUAL MAJOR-GOAT-NEWS REVIEW: 2015 was the year in which goats got bolder than ever. One swam in a backyard pool. Three took flight. Four goats got so drunk they passed out for two days and still needed medical assistance recovering from their hangovers. Two goats ran a 5K, while others barged into a town hall, a donut shop, and a police station. A lone goat sabotaged a Christmas manger, and another got bossy with a Siberian tiger; a ten-strong gang of goats in Seattle chased a group of kids, and an even larger gang of goats, in perhaps the first documented case of synchronized fart-related hijacking (SFRH), forced a plane to land. One showed up with six legs, and another showed up with boy AND girl parts. For seemingly-obvious reasons, Robert Mugabe banned them from roaming about Harare, Zimbabwe. They died by all of the standard causes — fire, flood, hippo, ritual beheading — and also fell victim to employees of Nepal Airlines.
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2014 ANNUAL MAJOR-GOAT-NEWS REVIEW: Goats pushed their luck in 2014: one stole a reporter’s notebook, one nixed after-school recess, one eluded eight police cruisers in one night, and one ate a police citation. In Oakland, California, they stopped traffic, and in a Welsh cemetery they nibbled on graveside flowers. Separately, other goats snuck into a police car, a train station, a school, a gas station, and a gun store. In Zimbabwe, a man admitted that he used goats to smuggle marijuana out of the country. There were also a few breakthroughs. In Arizona, a goat-sheep hybrid known as a geep was born, and in India a goat gave birth to two human-like babies. In Japan, researchers uncovered the molecule whose citrus-like odor arouses female goats. In Nepal, a goat bulked up to 340 pounds. They perished in the usual ways, and also from a flash flood, a crossbow, a drive-by shooting, a 17-year-old Washingtonian practicing his hunting skills, an Indian minister and his supporters, mysterious beasts described by a Philippine mayor as “vampires disguised as dogs,” and Putin’s tiger. The goats checked out by Kim Jonh Un survived.
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2013 ANNUAL MAJOR-GOAT-NEWS REVIEW: 2013 brought a lot of firsts in the goat world. America’s first goat museum opened. A goat went to dog training school. Another goat rode a horse. One walked into a bar, one walked into a car dealership, and one went to McDonald’s. A few goats tried but failed to break into a New Mexican jail. When the government shut down, five dozen goats were furloughed. Four speedy French goats outran an avalanche, but far more fell victim to dogs, bears, wild cats, fires, lightning strikes, Indian students, celebrating politicians, a sadistic Somali man, Indonesian miners, and Austrian officials. At least one was eaten by a python, many were run over by a freight train, and many more were killed by goat plague. Goats that weren’t merely rampaging snarled traffic in Oregon and New Jersey, caused the crash of a banana truck in Australia, knocked over a reporter in Florida, and tampered with political posters in Kenya. Authorities responded by impounding goats (Kenya), arresting goats (Nigeria), and jailing goats (India). In Australia a goat was charged with a felony, but a judge dismissed the charges. An American judge ruled against a Massachusetts man who claimed a constitutional right to keep goats, while a Wisconsin man who insisted in his constitutional right to have sex with a goat never brought the matter to court. Other disputes involving goats led to the shooting of neighbors’ dogs, the shooting of neighbors’ goats, and the shooting of neighbors. In Kenya, a longstanding intertribal dispute involving an armed night-raiding goat-smuggling cartel culminated in one thief getting stoned to death and three boys being taken hostage. Meanwhile, authorities elsewhere discovered at least two secret herds of goats. Police in India discovered nearly three dozen goats on a suspicious ship, while police in Israel, Alabama, and Nevada discovered (cumulatively) two dozen goats in the backs of three cars. Those in Nevada belonged to former slugger Jose Canseco, and were wearing diapers. Undiapered goats at large led a Texas woman to call 911. Oregon police responded to a goat tied to a fence and another on a rooftop; the NYPD wrangled one on Brooklyn’s Atlantic Avenue. Eight months later, a firm just across the East River began selling glass vials of goat poop, dusted in gold. The goat museum had yet to put some on display.
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2012 ANNUAL MAJOR-GOAT-NEWS REVIEW: 2012 was a major year for goats. One went surfing, one went skateboarding, another began a cross-country walk, and still others were sent to the Olympics. In New York City, one ate a slice of pizza; in New Hampshire, one bit a presidential candidate; and in India, one was cloned. The subjects of pranks, rituals, and revenge, they also led to many domestic disputes. One goat cracked the window of a Michigan storefront; two goats were evicted from a Connecticut apartment; and many goats were deemed responsible for a season’s worth of cancelled home football games. One attacked a paperboy in Utah; another held a Canadian woman hostage; another killed an elderly woman in the Philippines. In Maryland, a goat was allegedly kidnapped by West Point cadets, and in Georgia, Florida, and New Zealand, many goats were “mysteriously decapitated.” Around the world, they were killed, variously, by wild dogs, a mountain lion, a virus, a livestock disease, a barn fire, high school students in Missouri, a mailman in Maine, an investigator in Jamaica, police officers in California and Nepal, unknown persons in Ohio, and millions of Muslims.
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2011 ANNUAL MAJOR-GOAT-NEWS REVIEW: 2011 brought some highs and lows in the world of goats. In Zimbabwe, a man married a goat, and in Sri Lanka, a few hundred goats were saved from decapitation by Buddhists. In Colorado, a prize-winning goat was disqualified from the state fair for doping. Goats stymied traffic on California’s Interstate 5, nearly foiled the landing of an airplane in Nigeria, and allegedly set a barn on fire in New Hampshire. One goat was tortured by Irish kids, one goat was goatnapped in Oregon, two goats were painted black by mysterious Swiss agents, and two goats were marked for death (but not killed) by a hired assassin. They were killed, variously, by pit bulls, a snow leopard, a skunk, a bad vaccine, a landslide, teenagers, a barn fire, a California motorist, a California Highway Patrol officer, a National Park Service ranger, and Mark Zuckerberg.
